Saturday, January 19, 2008

Tory..The Sex Machine...

I'm one of those people who falls...a lot! I can think of so many times when, in public, I've found myself spread-eagle in places where you shouldn't really be 'spread-eagle'.
I will never really get over the trauma of the time in high school, my parents drove me one morning. It was winter, and I was soo cool with my long, poncho-type coat. (Popular at the time. O.k. so it was a hundred years ago) That is until they stopped in front of my school, and while trying to maneuver my way out of the back seat of the two-door, I tripped over my coat and landed face first in the middle of the road. I could not get up immediately because my arms were pinned under me when I fell. What did my parents do? My mother laughed so loud she caught the attention of all the other students walking within 3 miles of the school. She then pushed my feet and the rest of my coat out of the car, slammed the door and they took off, leaving me in the middle of the road, struggling to find the slits in the coat so I could get up. I could hear her laughing all the way down the street. I thought I would die of embarrassment. Yes, she was always that 'thoughtful'.
I remember the time, in my mid-teens, walking in the mall. As I walked past a fruit and veg stand, I slipped on a piece of rotten lettuce. I did the splits so well, let's just say, 'watch out all you crazy, gymnastic experts...I have arrived!' Of course, the problems were,
1.) Previous to this, I'd never done any gymnastics.
2.) I didn't know how to un-gymnastic myself either gracefully or ungracefully from this position.
3.) Did I have to be in public for this??
That's when I actually channeled James Brown. You remember when James Brown did the splits and then was suddenly able to pull himself upright? Yup, I was so embarrassed I actually did that!! (Yes, and James Brown's voice came into my head...'Get on up..Hgh..Hgh..') It's then I realized that I had been channeling James Brown for years...note the 'cape' in the previous story. At that moment, I became afraid of myself and have since refused to be alone with myself for any length of time unless armed with food...or shoes..nice purses..
Anyhoo...cut to years later. Fang, the kids and me going into Walmart after church one Sunday. Yes, I had on heels..and if I recall correctly, a big, ugly, puffy, pink dress. (Every time I wore this dress, somebody would always ask if I was pregnant!! Hated that dress.) Somewhere between 'women's wear' and 'children's wear' I again did the lovely 'James Brown' splits. In a dress, people!! Fang grabbed the kids and left me there. ('get on a sex machine') Everyone I know is an insensitive bastard!
One year for Christmas, Fang bought me a pair of slippers. Were they lovely furry mules, comfy cozy pull on's?? No, of course not. It was Fang. They were 'chicken' slipper?! I have to describe these things in detail for you. They were over a foot wide, each. Bright yellow with big red toenails on the end of each 5 toes. Oh, and then there was the battery pack!! Every step I took, these things would, 'cock-a-doodle-doo'! Loudly and often. I remember picking up the phone and whoever I was talking to could actually hear them. I tried to be gracious about it and told Fang I loved them...yeah..(my nose is growing just thinking about it!!)
The breaking point for me was when I ran up the stairs, our dog chased my slippers, I fell 'up' the stairs, dog barking and biting my slippers, slippers crowing in alarm...ow..ow..Then I fell down the stairs, dog barking and biting my feet, slippers crowing in alarm..ow..ow..
The next day, I was first in line at the 'Returns' department of the store. Without looking up, the lady asked me what the problem was with the merchandise. I simply shook the slippers, they crowed, she looked at them and promptly returned my money. No further questions asked.
Take care

1 comment:

Magdalen Islands said...

Excuse me Tori, while I go blow my nose and wipe eyes. I needed that. It is really good to know that I'm not the only one who knows how to fall!