Saturday, April 28, 2007

The Ears Have It!

You can't tell by my picture on this blog, but I have enormous ears! My hubby says I don't, but, oh yes I do. It's something I've only noticed recently, say in the last five years.
They are so big, I have to gather them up when we're in the car or hubby won't be able to see out of the windshield to drive. If my car window is open, I have to be careful when I close it that my ears don't get caught. And, oh, for pete's sake, don't get them slammed in the car door. One time when we were on the highway, half a dozen cars went by on my side of the car, pointing to my door. Turns out, my ear was dragging along on the outside of the door. We had to pull over and gather it up, all scraped and dirty. If I get on public transit and walk down the aisle, I can take out six people at a time.
Now at my last job, we would have these useless meetings, and there was a man who worked with us that had the biggest nose I've ever seen. His nostrils were huge! I would catch myself staring at him, I couldn't help it. I feel your pain, buddy. Sometimes I would daydream about a duel between him and I. I'd walk by and he would lift his nostril and trap me inside. I would look around and see bats and stalagmite hanging in there, maybe an abandoned car on blocks. I would then start pounding on his sinuses with my fists. Finally, after much struggling, I would manage to turn my head in just the right way to get my ear outside his nostril. I would then slap him in the face with my free ear until he dropped me out of his sinus. He would chase me around the office, trying to get me back under his nose to capture me again. I would fend him off wildly slapping with first one ear and then the other until he saw little birdies flying around his head, just like in cartoons.
I miss the office meetings....

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Our Pets...or Aunty Bunny Has A Beard

As you can see by my side panel, I have quite an extended family. My daughter and I are total animal lovers and once we get a pet, to us it is family. Our pets are varied and have such individual little personalities and we have so much fun with them. Actually, our home is really somewhat of a petting zoo, but we love it. Unfortunately, my poor hubby is allergic to some of the fur, but he takes antihistamines to calm his symptoms cause he likes the animals too.
Anyway, first of all there is Bunny, our Australian Terrier. She looks a lot like a Yorkie. Cute as a button, but it doesn't matter how much you bathe her, she always smells bad. Getting stinky kisses from her is a fate worse than death, but she's really cute. When my husband complains about the smelly kisses I tell him she takes after his side of the Next is my cockatiel Tequila. He hates everyone except me. Holly will always try to sneak a kiss from him but he always manages to grab her nose ring and practically fling her onto the floor. Too funny! Holly says he's mean, but I think he has issues with gender dysmorphia. We don't know for sure that he's really a boy, but we will continue to insist he is for the rest of his life. I haven't bothered to get him counselling yet.
Next is Heffalump, Lumpy for short. He's my pride and joy. A jet black guinea pig who has the sweetest disposition and will even give you wet, sloppy kisses. He loves to be cuddled and will sit with you for ages and make his soft little squeaking sounds. It's like he has tons of stories to tell you since the last time you picked him up. Also, he is so sweet and gentle with my grandchildren. He loves them. I wasn't sure how he would be with little kids since he hasn't been around them much.
Poppy is our love bird. She has the sweetest little cheerful face and looks so innocent and small sitting in her cage. However, she has a checkered past. She pecked her husband to death and was quite proud of herself about it. I knew there were marital problems, but I never thought she was capable of that! Even as you are giving her a treat, she is eyeing you suspiciously and planning your death. We call her our 'War Bird'. And does she bite hard!! Then you look at her and she sits there with her smiley face, all innocent. And boy, she can be loud. I can ignore her most of the time, but my hubby sometimes gets crazy from it and yells from the living room, 'Poppy, shut up!' I tell him that he will tear down her self esteem if he does that, (I read it on the Internet) but he says he doesn't care. Bastard!
Stevie Wonder is my daughters white rabbit. He is completely blind, hence the name. He is a wonderful little guy and gets around by feeling with his chin before he hops, so he hops quite slow. Bunny had quite a crush on him up until recently when Stevie bit her on the foot. The romance was instantly over. I guess Bunny was paying attention when I gave the speech on not taking any abuse from a spouse.
Finally, there is my daughter's hamster named Lucy. She has the biggest features I've ever seen on a hamster. Big nose, ears and mouth. She's orange in colour and so funny to watch.
I don't have a pic of her up but I'll find one and put it up.
Now, the thing is...Holly and I have voices we do for all the animals, so we actually have long drawn out conversations with all the animals putting their two cents in. We do it so often that we don't even notice anymore. Below is a typical 'conversation' between Holly, I and whatever animal is around.
Me: Bunny, what am I going to make for dinner?
Bunny/Holly: Mom, I think we should have steak.
Lumpy/Me: Nooo, raw carrots!
Bunny/Holly: Why does Lumpy get to decide? You asked me, Mom.
Poppy/Me: Why don't you all die?
Stevie/Holly: I vote for the carrots!
Bunny/Holly: Mom, Poppy is threatening us...
Lumpy/Me: Mom, I've been saying that for weeks..
Poppy/Me: If I ever get out of this cage, I'll kill you all in your sleep!
This goes on every day. Now that I see this written down, I'm beginning to think a good therapist may be required!
Poppy/Me: It won't help, I'm still going to kill you the first chance I get!!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


I've spent the last couple of days reading other people's blogs and I'm so impressed by them. People are so interesting when they give you a glimpse of their daily lives!
My life, on the other hand isn't all that interesting, since I'm not working right now, but I really try to make an effort to make my blog interesting. I see that I get a lot of hits, but not very many comments.
Please, if you guys could just encourage me a little and leave a short note so I know if you like it or find it too boring, I would sooo appreciate it.
Have a great day, everyone!

Monday, April 23, 2007

I Really Do Often Wonder......

I often wonder why, when you ask people if they have found what they have been frantically looking for, they reply that yes they did and it was in the last place they looked?! Of course it's in the last place you looked...who finds it and keeps on looking???
Why is it at the deli counter, you order 2lbs. of thinly sliced smoked ham, and some of the clerks will actually ask, 'Do you want me to wrap that up for you?' I usually reply, 'No thanks, just throw it on the floor and I'll eat it here!' Or my favorite...I've got my head bent over the kitchen sink washing my hair and one of the members of my family will walk by and ask me, 'What are you doing?' My reply? 'Storing nuclear waste in the vegetable crisper!' Are they kidding?
Yes, even those near and dear to your heart will ask these crazy questions!
True story....I went to my Dr.'s appointment a full 24 hours before it was scheduled. I thought it was 10:30 am on Tuesday, but when I got there the nurse told me it was Wednesday at 10:30 am. Fair enough. As I was just about to turn to leave, the nurse asked me if I was leaving??? Quick mind that I have, I replied, 'No, I'll wait.' She laughed her head off for ten minutes.
This is just one of my pet peeves, so you'd think I wouldn't ask these same stupid questions....but I do, much to my horror!!! It's especially embarrassing when someone does it to me and I'm so quick with a 'witty' (ahem!) reply. Then five minutes later I ask an even stupider question. (feel free to use that new word, 'stupider', by the way)
So, if my daughter should walk by as I'm posting this, and asks the question, 'What are you doing?' I have my reply ready...'Training my blog for the circus!'

What can I Say.....

I usually like to keep my posts light and humorous, but after the events of last week at Virginia Tech, I would be remiss in trying to pretend it did not happen.
To the families and friends of the victims, I am sooo sorry and you are in my prayers. To the family of the shooter, my heart goes out to you as well.
To the students in general, talk about it a lot and get it out. Speak to someone professional if the whole situation is making your life spiral out of control with fear.
In short, God Bless you all and may He keep you in His hands while you go through this.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Pretty In Pink

So, last week was the time for my yearly check-up. I have a great Dr. who is thorough and has a great sense of humour, thankfully! Of course, being so thorough, I had to have my yearly pap smear. I have no problem with that, and let's face it girls, at my age, I just don't have any hang-ups about who looks down there. Send in the janitor, who cares. But I don't like awkward silences while the Dr.'s doing it, so I tend to talk a lot throughout. As if I'm the host of some crazy party in my uterus and I must carry the conversation or the Dr. won't come next year. I usually joke around about Amelia Earhart or Jimmy Hoffa falling out or something equally droll like that. The Dr. doesn't laugh so I start thinking it's because I didn't offer him a drink. Anyway, this year he mentioned that my curvex was quite far up and it took him a minute to find it. I asked him what colour it was. Just curious. He said it was hot pink! Wow, I didn't know!
After I was done, on the way home, I tried to tell my husband that I needed a pink purse and shoes to match my curvex. Now that I knew for certain the colour of my curvex, I just couldn't go through life with the big faux pas of not having a matching handbag. Why don't men get it????
My Dr. then made an appointment for a mammogram. I have very small breasts, and it turns out that if they aren't big enough, the technician simply grabs them with both hands and swings off of them until they are big enough! She just pulls and pulls until finally the fat from your back surrenders and moves to the front. Once satisfied with that, she closes your breasts in this machine that squishes them flat. Ouch! If all photos required this kind of exercise, none of us would ever know what our ancestors looked like.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Elvis Has Left the Building

Today, boys and girls, we will be talking about haircuts. I have always had long flowing hair. And I mean least since I have been an adult. You see, I have a head shaped like a huge basketball and I find that with short hair I look a lot like the basketball Tom Hanks had as his best friend in the movie 'Castaway'. I could have been it's body double. But alas, a few years ago I noticed that my hair was thinning. So much so that I had to get it all cropped off to try and disguise the fact that I looked a little like Telly Savalas.
I have nothing against short hair in general. A lot of women look so cute in their pixie cuts. As for me....I hate it. I doesn't matter how often I get it done, or even where I get it done, it's always awful. Sometimes there's that moment of hope, somewhere between getting it trimmed and it being almost dry, where I think, ooh, maybe this one isn't so bad. Until 'it' happens. The stylist takes out the hair blower and the gel. 'Here it comes', I think. 'My journey into 'hair hell.' And I'm never disappointed! I always leave the salon looking like Elvis. (and I'm talking the latter years, not the handsome early years!)
I knew I was in trouble when, one day I was leaving the salon and some woman yelled out, 'OMG, I always knew you were still alive,' and asked me for my autograph!'
It's kind of depressing, since it happens every time I get a trim. So, I've officially given up any hope for a nice 'do.'
However, I am starting to think of getting a wig, or extensions. Even dreds would be better than this!
But until then, I guess I will just have to practice my 'autograph'.