Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Of This and That

So, I'm back from our 'love nest'. Had a great time, so lovely and quiet there.
Some sad news...we lost a member of our little family. Poor Lucy suddenly had large lumps all over her body and she died. I believe it was cancer. They were everywhere. She will be sadly missed by all of us. Poor Holly was very sad about it, so I told her we'd get another one after the summer. She agreed. We loved you Lucy! Now, what is protocol here? Do I leave her pictures up? Take them down?? Maybe I'll leave them and write a memoriam to her. And of course, when we get a new hamster, I will introduce you to him/her.
As I do on every trip home from the love nest, I say good-bye to everything as we pass it in the car. (Like a 2 year old!) It usually goes, 'Good bye trailer, good bye pool that's not open yet, good bye golf club, good bye golf carts, good bye golf club restaurant....and so on. My husband must have the patience of a saint, as this can go on for quite awhile before I'm not amused anymore. He sits there quietly listening for the longest time, and today, he suddenly quips, 'good bye freshly paved driveway', as we drove by one. I was surprised that he's as big a freak as I am. He used to be the sane one in the family. After that, it was just huge fields on either side of the car, so I started...'good bye blade of grass!' Hubby says, 'This will take awhile.' 'Good bye blade of grass,...good bye blade of grass,' then I fell silent. Hubby looked over at me, 'You're only saying good bye to 3 blades of grass?' 'Yes,' I pouted, 'I'm not speaking to the rest of them. I'm mad at them,...they know who they are! You can never truly trust grass.'
Sometimes it just floors me how well my hubby puts up with my nonsense. It's not like it's something I do just once in awhile..It's constant. I think if it were anyone else, they would have bitch slapped me by now. I'm so lucky.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Away Away....

Leaving tomorrow for the love nest. So, no postings for a few days. However, the minute I get back I will be blogging...blogging is my life...
I'll miss u all
Take Care

Friday, May 25, 2007

A Meme From Abbagirl From Her Blog: Wheel

I've never been 'tagged' for a meme before, actually never heard of it until a few days ago while reading other blogs. As soon as I discovered them, I was, downright jealous! I can meme. Nobody ever asked me to meme for them. Why God...why?
This morning, reading Abbagirl's blog, which is the best blog ever, she had a meme which she passed on to anyone that wanted it. I grabbed it with both hands and ran out of that blog as fast as my fat legs could carry me. Thanks Abbagirl!

1 ) What time is it?
8:09 a.m.

2 ) What was the last thing you had to eat?

3 ) What is your favorite television program?
House and Dr. Phil

4) You can travel anywhere in the world; one destination per day from Friday through Monday; where do you go?
Friday- England
Saturday - Hawaii
Sunday- Egypt
Monday - Australia

5 ) Who's your favorite character from a cartoon or comic strip?
Pinky and the Brain

6 ) What would you like for breakfast?
Coffee and eggs benedict

7 ) Who is the first public figure that comes to mind that you think is attractive.
Jason Morgan from 'Days of our Lives'. Don't know his real name.

8 ) Who, outside your family and God, has had the greatest impact on your life?
A pastor I used to have named Willard. He taught me so much about myself, and about God.

9 ) You retrieve a bottle from the water. What does the message say that you find inside.
'Do you want fries with that?' signed by a young whipper-snapper who works at McDonald's.

10) What movies do you select (limit of six) for a one day film festival.
Gone with the Wind, Dances with Wolves, Mrs. Miniver, From Here to Eternity, Dark Victory and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

11) Do you have a hobby? If so, what is it? If not, what do you think would be of interest to you?
Blogging, painting, reading, crocheting, and I'd like to get into photography...if I could figure out how to use the digital camera.

12) Given the opportunity to travel back in time, when would your destination be?
About 30 a.d. Jerusalem or there abouts. Following Jesus around like a stalker!

13) Vietnam gave us China Beach. M.A.S.H came from the Korean War. What will the name of the television series be that results from our current state of military affairs?
Jihad Jubilee

14) What is the last book you read?
Nights of Rain and Stars by Maeve Binchy

15) What 5 people do you meet in heaven?
Jesus, Moses, my grandma, Paul and Churchill (how do u spell that??)

16) What 5 people do you visit in hell?
The ex..Fang, my mother, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Bin Laden. (only I wouldn't visit them)

17) What's the first thing that come to mind when you see the word pleasure?
I would have to agree with Abbagirl on this one. Estee Lauder's 'Pleasure' is my absolute favorite. My husband's too!

18) Eliminating price and availability as considerations, what 6 things do you put on your list when you go grocery shopping?
Milk, whole grain bread, water, veggies, meat and chicken.

19) What's your favorite non-blog related link?
Forward Motion writers site.

20) What will the title of your life story be?
I'm actually working on my memoirs right now and the working title is..'When Angels Have Wings'. But I'm not sure yet.

21) What 3 people alive today would you like to have join you for dinner?
President G. Bush and his wife Laura, Don Cherry.

22) What candle scent do you find most pleasing?
Ginger citrus

23) What question would you suggest I include the next time we play this game.
I'm with Abbagirl again on this one...5 favorite blogs to read.

I will also leave this open to anyone who's inclined to do it. Thanks abbagirl! That was fun.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Can I Live in the Parking Garage???

It is only noon and already it is unbearably hot here. I hate this time of purgatory where the apartment heating is still blasting and it's 25C outside. I'm sitting in my own puddle...I'm melting..melting.. O.K., I'm over it.
My pregnant daughter has been having false labour a lot these days. Good old braxton hicks. I just heard my hubby tell his mother that Ashley is having 'Taylor Hicks!!' Had to explain to him the other day what a mucus plug was. He knows nothing about pregnancy. Too funny!
Holly has insisted that we bond by watching T.V. together. Why? She ruins my cooking shows for me. Points out how disgusting the chefs are. Things I never noticed before, she points out and then it drives me crazy! Go away, non-cooking demon-seed! Spawn of Satin...
Anyhoo, Bunny said Holly was bugging her too and could I please get Holly out of her room. She suggested the linen closet. I'm afraid it's going to come down to an intervention between Holly and myself and all of the pets. Well, except for Poppy, cause she'll just suggest that we all die and solve the problem completely.
I bought Poppy a new toy yesterday. A little mirror with a bell. She has tried to destroy it since I put it in. She has her eye on that birdie in the mirror. I was hoping this would distract her from her master plan for awhile. If you're wondering why I don't give Tequila any toys...he's afraid of them. Won't go near them. The only thing he will play with on his perch are drinking straws. He's also afraid of most greens. Runs away from them. O.K.
I just found out that Donny Osmond will be coming on tour fairly close to our area. Yippee! Don't make fun of me, I love him and always have! Last time he came, I had two tickets. Took Holly up and down Toronto looking for a fake I.D. for her because Donny was playing at a Casino. Finally found one for her for $35. She was apparently visiting us from Flint, Michigan. Made her practice her address and date of birth over and over again. Took the long bus ride to the casino, and security wasn't sure about her I.D. Crap!!! Wouldn't let her in.
Got a refund on our tickets. She said for me to go, but there was no way I was going to leave her wandering around alone outside of a casino. We went for a nice dinner and then stood outside of the stage door where I could hear Donny singing. Burst into tears, making Holly feel worse. Meanwhile, through sobs and drama, I saying 'I'm fine. Don't worry about it, honey,'....sob.
Since I left Fang, I have been telling Holly that Donny is her real father. She didn't want Fang as a father, so I obliged her. I told her Donny and I had a torrid affair and that's how she came to be. She went along with me, because, frankly, she's as nuts as I am. I announced to her the other day that her 'father' would be coming to town, and we would go to see him. She's of age now, so, not a problem anymore.
In other news, Is it just me or is the T.V. series, 24 about the same thing every year?? There's a bomb, there's the president and everyone is trying to kill Jack or CTU is arresting him. Does that not describe every season? Don't get me wrong, it's certainly well done, so well done they use the same plot every year and we buy it. So well done that, actually I don't understand it. Both hubby and Holly are crazy about this show, so I'm forced to watch it. But I can always fall back on the knowledge that there's a bomb...the president...and so on.
The other night it was the season finale. The tension was palpable. I tried not to ask too many questions because they get very emotional around here. I'll never forget asking, 'Who's he?' Everyone yelled at me at once. Sorry...They felt I should have known that was Jack! Gee, I wonder what it's going to be about next season?!
On to the next topic. Forget about the year of the dog! In my house it is the year of the fruit fly. Because of all the small animals we have, we have a continuous problem with fruit flies. Every couple of months we put all the animals into one room and spray the whole house, but they always come back. I have no idea how I can get rid of this problem, except to get rid of my babies and that's not going to happen. So, we contend with them as best we can.
Poor Lumpy is very popular with them. I'll look in on him and he'll have a few sitting on his back and head, like he's a subway or something.
Some of the fruit flies are old enough that they actually have walkers and are complaining we have no prune juice. My hubby said that one of them introduced him to her grandchildren. We call them 'Lumpy's friends'. I've actually started to name them. Henry flew into my eye the other day, said excuse me and moved on. At least he's polite! Some of them can be quite surly and in general they're mean drunks, I've noticed. It's a problem and I don't know how to fix it. I hate spraying that crap in the house as it's not good for any of us including the animals.
Sorry, I have to go now. Some of them are having a bar fight on the counter and I have to break it up before they destroy the place.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Release the Hounds..pigeons wouldn't cut it!

Life has been crazy the last couple of days. Hubby and I were to go up to our 'love nest' yesterday, but he has had a fever the last few days. Yesterday, when he woke up we noticed his leg was red and inflamed. I should have been a Dr., I knew it was his cellulitis acting up again. Sent him to the clinic who sent him to the hospital for I.V. antibiotics. He picked me up on the way and I went with him to keep him company.
OMG!!! I hate hospitals. It's the boredom I can't deal with, the waiting.
And we all know how hot hospitals are, so I dressed appropriately in capri's and a T shirt. It was quite cool outside but I knew I'd be in the horribly hot hospital. I nearly froze to death!! This hospital had the air conditioning on full blast. I swear I saw a dog sled team go through emergency! Luckily I was able to keep myself amused by making snow balls and hitting the sick and the lame while they weren't looking! Nothing quite says welcome to Canada like a snow ball in the back of your turbin.
Anyway, hubby gave me $20 and I hit the change machine. Then I hit the vending machines. Had about 10 drinks then spent 20 minutes looking for the bathroom. That wasted some time. Tried to read a magazine, but of course, I forgot my glasses. Could hardly see the magazine, never mind the print.
Finally, they called hubby in and we were told to go into a room where there was already a woman in one of the beds. Hubby got into the second bed. The woman was eating lunch and it smelled really terrible.
More waiting. I wanted to scream. Can't stand being bored. Finally, I just couldn't sit there anymore. Took the instruments off of the wall and starting looking into my hubby's eye's and ears. Yup, they were still there, in my professional opinion. After tiring of that, I began to rifle through all of the drawers and cupboards in the room. I remember at one point looking over at the woman in the other bed and she was sitting there looking aghast that I would do such a thing. 'C'mon live a little, Lady!' I thought. So, I continued my rifling. Oooh, rape kits! I looked at hubby and thought better of it. He's a sport, but let's not push it. Then I looked at the lady...maybe not.
Finally, the Dr. came. He was the youngest Dr. I'd ever seen. As a matter of fact, he came in the room on a skateboard and kept his stethescope in his book bag. They hooked him up to the I.V. It was all said and done after half an hour and we were free.
I called Holly to let her know what was going on. 'I have something for you.' I said. 'Ooh, is it food?' She sucks as an anorexic! 'No,' I said, 'better. Hospital/Michael Jackson masks for our trip to see your sister!' She was thrilled, which is kind of wierd. She has a fear of getting other people's germs. She said that when she's on the train, if anyone looks at her funny with her mask on, she'll tell them she's very ill and make them feel bad for thinking she's just strange, even though she is. This should be a fun trip.
Anyway, hubby goes in for another I.V. today and that should set him right.
Have a good weekend everyone.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Life Can Be So Unfair....

It's that time again. You know, where my poor readers have to listen to me whine! I know you love it!!
O.K. picture this. Me standing in front of my hubby while he's trying to watch T.V., shouting, 'Do you realize if you die, I will never be able to eat pickles, mayonnaise, or horseradish again? As a matter of fact, I will never be able to drink again unless I just drink from the tap!'
What brought this on? I'm glad you asked. I am wondering why, as I get older, I cannot open anything by myself. It's driving me crazy! I'm like a little kid. Holly open this, hubby open that. I'm in McDonald's parking lot eating in the car, like a four year old trying to open the vinegar packet and it suddenly gives and hits the guy in the car beside me! When he looks up I point to hubby and roll my eyes. Meanwhile hubby is sitting there eating, minding his own business. That's what he gets for smugly opening his vinegar packet a full 10 minutes before me.
I'm the woman who's been caught rolling around the carpet with a pop bottle in between my knees, sweating and straining to open it. Finally, I give it up and decide to call for help. I call my daughter long distance and plead, 'If hubby dies, can I come live with you?' I thought I finally solved this problem by getting those little tetris packs of juice. They were made for kids, so I should be able to handle it. But no, I either lost the straws or couldn't get them open. What?!
Oh, and don't get me started on pill bottles. These child-proof caps are also intended to kill off the old and stupid. It's the governments way of weeding out the weak. And what's all this crap about lining up the arrows on the cap? My eyesight is so bad I can hardly see my leg, never mind lining up tiny arrows.
Gee, I hope hubby wakes up soon! I'm getting thirsty! If I get too desperate before he wakes up, he's going to find me wedged into my guinea pigs cage, drinking from his little water bottle...It wouldn't be the first time! Poor Lumpy hates it when I do that! Then the inevitable fight ensues when Lumpy calls me fat. That's nervy from a guy named lumpy!
I guess I'll go now and lick the grass for dew until hubby gets up. The neighbours hate when I do this, but too bad. I'm parched.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Release The Pigeons!!

So, hubby and I were away this weekend, up north to open our summer trailer. It was so quiet it was almost deafening. I just love it up there. There are so many different birds it just makes my heart sing pigeons! Not that I actually have anything against pigeons, but compared to a nuthatch or blue jay..come on.
Monday we took a long drive with me hanging out of the car window with my camera trying to get some great shots of the beautiful scenery. I turned and took a few pics of my wonderful hubby. He actually posed for me while he was driving which was a bit disturbing. Anyhoo, when I looked at the pictures I was taking, I was really disappointed. They looked so dark I could hardly see anything. Holly, at my request, had turned off the flash feature. Hmmm, maybe I needed it after all. I fiddled with the camera for awhile but honestly, I know nothing about this digital thing. I cannot do anything except point and press the button. I mentioned it to hubby who looked at me as if I grown another head. 'What?' I asked. 'Maybe it would look brighter to you if you were to take off your sunglasses?' Don't you just resent a smart alec? Anyway, we had a wonderful weekend together in our 'love nest.'
So, last night we are watching the finale of 'America's Next Top Model'. (I know...losers!) Anyway, a commercial comes on just before they reveal the winner. I take this opportunity to harass my poor hubby on who he picks to win this thing. He replies, 'Miss J, or Tyra'. 'No, you have to pick one for real.' I cajole. Finally he gives me his pick. Silence. I know what's coming. He asks, 'Well, who do you pick?' I reply, 'I don't know!' Too funny.
My eldest daughter is getting ready to deliver her third child in June, and Holly and I are going up to be with her in 3 weeks or so. She is notorious for delivering early and we don't want to miss the birth. Holly and I have discussed this with our pets at length. The pets are not happy but I think they're beginning to accept it. Poppy says she's hoping to have her master plan formulated before our return. You know, the plan to kill us all in our sleep. Heffalump is worried daddy will forget to give him his carrots and celery. I want to make him feel more secure, so you know what this will entail. Picture me, holding a guinea pig up to my hubby's face, screaming..'Say it, say it..tell Lumpy you won't forget!' Holly and I decided it would be better if we didn't mention it to Tequila yet, but he'll probably find out because Poppy has a big mouth.
Have a good day all!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Of Ice and Men

Right now, hockey fever has hit Canada, what with the semi-finals of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Hockey is absolutely the only sport I can actually get excited about...especially since my favorite team, the Ottawa Senators, are still in the game. My hubby has been a Toronto Maple Leaf fan his whole life, and we have a friendly, (sort of!) rivalry. I try to refrain from mentioning that his loser team hasn't won the cup for forty years, cause that would just be too easy. But I do Actually, I have always been a die hard (literally) Leaf fan since I grew up in Toronto, however, when I moved to the Ottawa area for about 15 years, and I was there when they developed an Ottawa team finally, I became an Ottawa fan.
My husband and I used to actually bet on the games when our teams were playing together! Yeah, I'd borrow $20 from him and bet $5. A girl's gotta have some pin money!! My best friend taught me this trick...she's so smart.
Now, I am anything but a sportsy kind of girl, and I was kind of spoiled with my ex-husband, Fang. He hated sports, so we never had to watch any games of any kind. Well...except the ones he played at home!
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. As I said, I just wasn't the sportsy girl. Why run around and get all sweaty when one could just call a cab??? I was the 'Paris Hilton' of gym in high school. I would do nothing, wear heels, and just keep saying, 'I'm Hot.'
Now at the beginning of my relationship with hubby #2, the new and much improved hubby, I didn't say anything when he'd put on the golf, baseball, football (American!), and, (are you kidding me?!!), tennis or curling. After a few months of this, I seriously considered gouging my own eyes out with a couple of teaspoons. I couldn't take anymore of it.
Luckily, one day as we were busily preparing for another sports event, him setting up his snacks and beer, me making a slip knot to hang myself, he was kind enough to notice as I slipped it around my neck and stood on a wobbly chair. He looked up at me and with the most sincere and loving voice, he said, 'Honey, I can't see the t.v. with you up there!'
My next thought was, if you can't beat em, join em. After all, there has to be a compromise in every relationship. Here he was, always so thoughtful towards me, spoiled me rotten, and was totally present in our relationship. I had to try harder. One day, there just happened to be both a baseball game and a football game on. We would watch both of them and hubby would explain each game. I figured the main reason that I couldn't get into it was because I just didn't understand it. Makes sense, right?
Hubby agreed to answer all my questions and explain everything to me as the games played out. First the football game.... Hubby broke the first rule we had made with the very first question I asked. The rule was he wouldn't get frustrated and have an aneurysm if I asked something he felt wasn't pertinent. My first question was simple...what's up with the stupid outfits?? Did they not realize that wearing capri's that tight are not that attractive?! Who picks the crazy colours that don't even match? Do the player's mothers get mad when they come home with that much dirt on their suit? I know I would! After all, they're on t.v., couldn't they just try and stay tidy? The only thing I found out from hubby was that he knew nothing about the clothes.
O.k. Let's move on to the baseball game... First the short-stop really short? Why don't they run the other way to those pillow things (the bases) just to make it more interesting? And the most important question of all...what the hell are they doing?? Had I known it would be this easy to discourage my hubby from watching sports, I would have asked a lot more questions in the beginning of our relationship.
But, we still enjoy watching hockey together. But have you ever noticed that in the coldest sport, the hockey players wear over sized shorts?? And what's up with the leg-warmers, held up with duct tape? They are so 80's.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Driving...I Just Don't Get It?!

People who have driven a long time make me sooo jealous. They're such show-offs. Yeah, just jump in your car and put the key in and drive backwards out of you're parking space..see if I care...Bastards!
I have been trying to learn to drive since I was 17 years old, on and off, but I just don't get it. The only time I actually went for the driving exam, the instructor asked me to drive backwards and I hit a pole. She failed me just because of that....well maybe a few other things too. I think she was just too picky. She hated me, I could tell. I asked her if she would give me my licence if I promised never to drive backwards. I swear I heard crickets chirping and she stared at me as if I had suddenly grown an extra nose. I take it that's a 'hell no'!
When we moved to the country, my ex husband, Fang (name changed to protect the stupid!), tried to teach me in the fields. I got stuck in a rut and the car suddenly burst into flames. Not my fault!! Could happen to anyone. Besides, I managed to get the kids out before they burned to death. Doesn't that make me a conscientious driver? And how am I supposed to learn if the guy teaching me is screaming and biting the dashboard. That's not helpful.
There were definite signs that I was not a driving kind of person. I tried to overlook them, but they were there.
When Fang and I first got married. we went to spend the week-end at my mothers, who was having a huge garage sale,Saturday and Sunday. Saturday morning, I was the first one up and dressed. I thought I would go out to the garage and start setting up until everyone else was ready. When I got outside, I realized my mother's car was parked in the drive way. I stood there for the longest time, figuring out how easy it would be for me to just move the car and park it right in front of the house on to the street. I could hear the cheers in my head, 'Yaa, you can do this Tory!' (Note to self, get therapy to find out why I have cheers in my head)
Anyway, I went into the house, grabbed the keys and jumped into the car. I fired it up, (which by the way, scared the daylights out of me!) put it in reverse and backed up slowly. 'O.K. Tory, just back it up slowly and when you get to the end of the driveway, turn right and back it up a few feet in front of the house.' Sounds simple. At least that's what you Bastard drivers are thinking!
Well, it wasn't. I ended up not turning fast enough, and there I was, on the wrong side of the road facing traffic. That's o.k., there was nobody around on an early Saturday morning. Now, how do I get the car to drive sideways to the curb, that was right beside me but way over there. Huh! I pulled ahead a bit then stepped on the brake, which slammed me into the horn, which scared the crap out of me. Now I'm sweating. I went on to do that about 4 times in a row. After all that, I still hadn't moved over an inch. How do they get the car to go sideways? That's all I needed to do!
I guess it was about this point that I looked up and saw the city bus in front of me. He was being a smart ass and had stopped about 6 inches from my bumper. He was giving me the evil eye as were his full bus of passengers. What to do. I can't drive if people are watching me! Bastard bus driver.
Finally, I just got out of the car and as I was squeezing by between the front of the car and the city bus, I held up my index finger and said, 'Just one minute, o.k.?' I ran into the house, where Fang was putting his shirt on. I threw him the keys and said, 'You better hurry and move the car, the bus is waiting.' Yeah, he looked puzzled. I said, 'Don't ask any questions, just go, they're waiting.' As Fang got to the door, I heard him say, 'Oh no!'. How embarrassing for him. The bus driver was pretty upset, I hear.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I Think Therefore I....Huh?

As all my readers know by now, I have a funny way of looking at things. I really think in pictures, no matter what people say, I always have these funny pictures in my head. I've always been like that.
I was born a city slicker and was raised a city slicker. Imagine my embarrassment when we moved to the country and everyone I became friends with were farmers. They have an entire language of their own, which I was unaware of at the time.
I was chatting with a couple in particular and somehow the conversation came up about 'dressing the pigs'. My eyes became wide with excitement! I asked if everyone dressed their pigs. They replied, 'Yes.' I told them that I really didn't want to interfere with the 'pig prom' but please, for the pigs sakes, don't dress them in stripes, it would only make them look fatter. They laughed their heads off at me..I wasn't sure why.
Then there was the 'head cheese' fiasco. Did you know that it is not cheese shaped and chiseled into a head shape? No, it's actually made from a pigs head boiled until all the meat falls off. Eeeeeew! The thing about the cheese? All farmer propaganda.
Then there was the expression, 'the cow threw a calf'. I asked, surprised as hell, 'Where did she throw it?' I had visions of the cow going through all that pain to drop this huge baby and just getting pissed off after the event and tossing it across the field.
For the longest time, I thought you had to plant hay. It was years before I found out that it's just actually long grass.
It took me forever to get used to being on a well. In my mind, I thought it was almost the same as laying on the grass on my belly and slurping from the ditch. It freaked me out. I miss my chlorine infested water from the city. I remember one day it came to a head, and I just stood there saying to my kids, 'Do you realize that we're drinking water from a hole in the ground?' It fell on deaf ears. My kids were 'countryfied' by then. 'Sigh'
One day I was standing outside our house on our country road. It was twilight, and in the distance I could see there was a small dog loose. People are terrible for this in the country. I called it and it turned to look at me. I kept calling it, and it started to come my way at a trot. Cool. I watched as it got closer and closer while I encouraged it. Suddenly, it was pretty close, close enough for me to get a good look at it. OMG, it's a fox! I turned suddenly and ran into the house, hyperventilating, and locked the door behind me. I then ran to the window to see if it followed me. When I looked the fox was sitting in the middle of the road, looking at the house in disgust. I just know he was thinking....'city slicker.'