I Really Do Often Wonder......

I often wonder...if we were, at our beginnings, all monkeys, why do we still have monkeys?
I often wonder why it is that as men age, when they pass wind it sounds like people clapping? I often hear applause coming from the bedroom when my hubby goes to bed before me. Just the other day, while he was walking down the hallway, he passed wind at such length...well, let's just say it had all the earmarks of a terrific standing ovation.
I often wonder if other women ever feel as dorky and uncoordinated as I do. I would so love to be as graceful as a swan as so many women seem to be naturally. You've seen them, perfectly coiffed, speaking in soft, whispery tones. Their dainty hands helping them to convey their wise and dignified impressions of the world around them. I've never heard even one of these elegant creatures shriek from the bathroom, "Honey, I've dropped my hair removal cream down the toilet!!"
Yet, I've heard myself say it...twice. No, I'm not one of the 'graceful ones.' You have to be born with that, I guess. I'm the freak that comes crashing through the door after having gotten my sleeve caught in the door handle which gets angry at me and flings me about. This usually happens at work when I'm showing up for a meeting late. Or I'm standing around with the co-workers outside, regaling them them with my wit and I pop a cigarette into my mouth and it bursts into flames because I've lit the filter end. No matter how hard I try, I always manage to spill my food down my shirt or trip over an invisible line. It's because of this, that I am shy in front of a roomful of people. I'm the one who gets so enthusiastic during a conversation, I accidently spit on you. I sometimes tend to blurt things out and then realizing my mistake, do I graciously apologize? No, I laugh myself sick! I guess you have to be born with that too.
However, I do have to say, I am also the one who is blessed with a husband who loves me in spite of all this. Poor sap.