Thursday, May 03, 2007

Driving...I Just Don't Get It?!

People who have driven a long time make me sooo jealous. They're such show-offs. Yeah, just jump in your car and put the key in and drive backwards out of you're parking space..see if I care...Bastards!
I have been trying to learn to drive since I was 17 years old, on and off, but I just don't get it. The only time I actually went for the driving exam, the instructor asked me to drive backwards and I hit a pole. She failed me just because of that....well maybe a few other things too. I think she was just too picky. She hated me, I could tell. I asked her if she would give me my licence if I promised never to drive backwards. I swear I heard crickets chirping and she stared at me as if I had suddenly grown an extra nose. I take it that's a 'hell no'!
When we moved to the country, my ex husband, Fang (name changed to protect the stupid!), tried to teach me in the fields. I got stuck in a rut and the car suddenly burst into flames. Not my fault!! Could happen to anyone. Besides, I managed to get the kids out before they burned to death. Doesn't that make me a conscientious driver? And how am I supposed to learn if the guy teaching me is screaming and biting the dashboard. That's not helpful.
There were definite signs that I was not a driving kind of person. I tried to overlook them, but they were there.
When Fang and I first got married. we went to spend the week-end at my mothers, who was having a huge garage sale,Saturday and Sunday. Saturday morning, I was the first one up and dressed. I thought I would go out to the garage and start setting up until everyone else was ready. When I got outside, I realized my mother's car was parked in the drive way. I stood there for the longest time, figuring out how easy it would be for me to just move the car and park it right in front of the house on to the street. I could hear the cheers in my head, 'Yaa, you can do this Tory!' (Note to self, get therapy to find out why I have cheers in my head)
Anyway, I went into the house, grabbed the keys and jumped into the car. I fired it up, (which by the way, scared the daylights out of me!) put it in reverse and backed up slowly. 'O.K. Tory, just back it up slowly and when you get to the end of the driveway, turn right and back it up a few feet in front of the house.' Sounds simple. At least that's what you Bastard drivers are thinking!
Well, it wasn't. I ended up not turning fast enough, and there I was, on the wrong side of the road facing traffic. That's o.k., there was nobody around on an early Saturday morning. Now, how do I get the car to drive sideways to the curb, that was right beside me but way over there. Huh! I pulled ahead a bit then stepped on the brake, which slammed me into the horn, which scared the crap out of me. Now I'm sweating. I went on to do that about 4 times in a row. After all that, I still hadn't moved over an inch. How do they get the car to go sideways? That's all I needed to do!
I guess it was about this point that I looked up and saw the city bus in front of me. He was being a smart ass and had stopped about 6 inches from my bumper. He was giving me the evil eye as were his full bus of passengers. What to do. I can't drive if people are watching me! Bastard bus driver.
Finally, I just got out of the car and as I was squeezing by between the front of the car and the city bus, I held up my index finger and said, 'Just one minute, o.k.?' I ran into the house, where Fang was putting his shirt on. I threw him the keys and said, 'You better hurry and move the car, the bus is waiting.' Yeah, he looked puzzled. I said, 'Don't ask any questions, just go, they're waiting.' As Fang got to the door, I heard him say, 'Oh no!'. How embarrassing for him. The bus driver was pretty upset, I hear.


Sharyn said...

Oh Tory, I'm sure you're not as bad as all that. But don't feel bad, I know heaps of people who didn't get driving till much later in life. You're not alone!!
I have also left a comment on your previous entry. Take care!

Tink said...

I taught myself how to drive because no one was brave enough to. I started off driving in circles around the neighborhood very very slowly. Gradually the circles got bigger, until I was on the main road. For the longest time I had trouble with left turns because I only ever turned right!

Anonymous said...

I was a nervous wreck when I went for my licence, not because I couldn't drive, but lacked any confidence. When I failed my first attempt at reverse park, I burst into tears. The testing officer patted my knee and kindly said to have a cry and then try again. The shock of his contact with my knee did the trick, as I didn't fail another thing all the way. I guess it was an innocent attempt to console me, but I think the shock of it steeled me for success. But don't feel bad, Tory, I still won't go and reverse park today, like many of my friends. When all else fails, do a Flintstone park. Works for them every time, teehee .